Goodbye Mister…?

I haven’t taken the time to write in months. Well, that isn’t entirely true. I have been writing countless letters to jail. Mister has been there since April.

Yeah. Things went south fairly quickly with that one.

I am finally getting myself back on track again, though! I am living back in my beloved city, I am living with an *adorable* Polish (younger) man, and I am slowly coming back in to my own.

Let us go back….

Living with Mister was hot and cold from moment one. I knew living with him wasn’t going to be all sunshine and lemon drops, but I was not quite prepared for the reality of what was to come.

Mister spent 4 out of 5 days in his room with the door locked being completely uncommunicative. For days on end he would just watch movies and eat nothing but the candy he had stashed in his room. He came out to sleep every few days and check in on me, but was generally unshowered and in the same clothes he had been wearing for ten days straight. He was moody and it was hard to tell when he was going to switch from loving to silent and isolating.

But, when he was being social he was great! We had a ton of fun, kinky sex, and he gave me incredible massages after long days at work. He would go down on me for an hour until I couldn’t see straight after he had already massaged all of me to the point of putty… He encouraged me to work on my art, for me. He forced me to get to a psychiatrist and deal with my depression. He truly wanted to help me be my best version of my self.

But unfortunately the good days were few. The longer this went on the worse his depression became so eventually he hit the panic button…so to speak.

He was not receiving the help he needed from the V.A. He was suffering and had no where to turn. He wasn’t able to hold down a job because he was so depressed he could barely leave his room let alone the apartment. He was denied disability, he was looking at being homeless, he was ready to end his life…but had promised me he would not do so in our home.

So he broke the law. In a big way… He did something he knew would have him arrested and possible placed in prison because he was convinced that prison was the best place for him. He was trying to save himself from himself.

So he has been in jail since April.

And that is just the first half of that story…

A Much Delayed Update

Every few days or so I think to myself “I really should update my blog, its been much too long.” And alas life gets in the way, or my own brain, or laziness… I could give a hundred excuses. But here I am at last writing again.

In one way my world has been “flipped turned upside down” and in another it seems to be the same old. I am working too much (most weeks just under 60 hours) but I love my job so very much. My job has given me purpose in a way I hadn’t anticipated. I have finally narrowed down what exactly I want to make my career in to and it is not at all what I had expected, but I am thrilled to have found my skills utilized in such a heartwarming and useful way.

I want to continue writing about and learning about sex and sexuality. Having said that, however, this is not the path that I see myself following as a career. Not solely, at least. I feel much more positively about continuing to do so as a hobby. I know that there are people who believe that turning a hobby in to a career is the best way to go, however I have known many people who have done so and found it diminished their passion for said hobby. My photographer friend specifically has said that she often regrets turning photography in to a career and often wishes for a simple job in an office. My choice in career is something I am intensely passionate about, but is going to be something I will need an outlet away from. I know I will need to have outside interests in order to keep from burning out. So, I will keep writing about and experiencing and researching sex and sexuality and use it as an outlet.

Speaking of Sex and Sexuality… what’s been going on there?

Well, unfortunately Mister and I quickly discovered (after moving in together) that our dreams of entering in to a full time M/s relationship was just not feasible for the time being. He was certainly not in the right place to do so. And while I was up for the challenge, it just wasn’t going to work for he and I. I was sad, but at the same time I was a bit relieved. Starting life over as a newly single woman working in a career that is so emotionally exhausting and being on my own for the first time ever (for the most part) was stressful enough without adding on a new layer.

Sex between he and I has come and gone. He has (or had) a lot of guilt surrounding sex with me because I am basically supporting him financially and he has fallen behind on his goals for changing this. Slowly but surely we are working together to meet his goals, but it is a challenge we face daily. On top of that he is trying to make me more aggressive in the bedroom so he wants me to initiate EVERY TIME I am horny whether or not he is. He has told me that whenever I want to I should pull down his pants, suck his cock hard and fuck him or sit on his face and force him to eat me out. I am getting much better at being demanding, though I have yet to sit on his face without prior instruction. I’m not sure I’ll ever be completely comfortable just going from nothing to sitting on his face. I want to be confident enough to do so, but I’m not sure I’ll get there… not for a while at least.

Emotionally though, we are in a good place. We cuddle and kiss and love each other, but after this time together I have become happy knowing that we are not “IN” love. We have this time together to be loving and have fun and help each other reach our goals, but one day soon we will part ways and find our own ways separately. There are still times when I look at him and wish that he was in love with me… but they are fewer and farther apart than before. Especially because I know logically that we are not a good match long term. He is fun, when he is in a good place. We laugh and play and get along wonderfully. He challenges me and forces me to look at myself in ways I hadn’t done before. But he almost certainly isn’t someone who could be a long term partner for me. And I am happy with that. He is my best friend right now and I love him dearly, and always will. I want to see him happy and he wants the same for me.

Monkey and I are in a good place. We are eventually going to get a divorce, but for now are just staying separated until it becomes a necessity. We talk pretty regularly and are good friends. I love him and want to see him succeed. He is now living with a girlfriend. It hurts some that they are living in the home I chose for us, but I have come to terms with this. We have had our tense moments.

Monkey and The Photographer had a short lived “fling” soon after I moved out. This hurt me. I didn’t find out until after the fact and while I knew that nothing I said could have stopped it (nor would I have tried to) it made me feel so much more separated from my old life. I had asked him long ago not to sleep with her. She is one of the only friends I have anymore and I knew that a relationship between the two of them would make me feel badly. I was right. But I have since gotten over this and know that it had nothing to do with me or putting me out of the picture. Their fling was simply two adults who connected sexually for a time and had some fun while both were needing that connection. It wasn’t handled perfectly, and they both admitted this, but who am I to judge? I have made my fair share of stupid mistakes when it comes to relationships, so I refuse to hold this against either of them. They are my friends and I love them both.

I’ve started taking anti-depressants finally. Low dose of Lexapro daily, which has helped in a lot of ways. I have also come to the realization that I am almost certainly suffering from ADHD and am seeking out treatment for this. The Lexapro did at the start severely lower my libido and made it hard to have an orgasm, but now a little over a month out my libido seems to have mostly restored back to normal and my ability to orgasm seems to have returned as well. So that’s nice. I was terrified of the side effects of this medications. I was willing to try it, though, because the lack of suicidal thoughts far outweighs a slight decline in my libido. And let me tell you, the depression being mostly gone has SIGNIFICANTLY improved my life. I am eating better, getting exercise in to my routing, and ROCKING it at my job. So all in all things are good.

I’ll update more often, I promise…

I fucked him on the couch, and stuff…

I don’t even know where to start!

I feel terrible at the length I have left between updates for my wonderful readers. I’ve gathered quite a following on Tumblr (at least I consider over 100 a following…) so if you want to keep up with what I am currently lusting over you should head on over there and check out my page:

Anywho, where have I been all these months?

Mostly working, honestly. My job, as it turns out, takes a lot of energy out of me. As much as I LOVELOVELOVE what I am doing, I am finding myself with very little energy and even less time to expend what little extra energy I have! I am working about 60 hours a week and then there is the commute as well. The job can be extremely emotionally draining as I am putting a lot of myself in to caring for adults with intellectual disabilities. I have really grown to love and care about the guys in the house I work in (as well as many of the other clients I work with in other facilities) and when they are struggling or having bad days/weeks/months I have a hard time leaving my worry at work and can take it home with me sometimes. I am trying to learn to compartmentalize so I am better able to utilize what little free time I have in order to make sure that my other interests and passions do not fall by the wayside and I lose myself once again. I have a tendency to throw myself in to one thing and expend the majority of my energy and time focusing on that one project/job/task/person at the expense of anything else I might want to do.

So what am I doing in order to keep myself from getting lost? I’ve been doing a lot of crafting, lately. Well, crafting and organizing said craft supplies. When Mister joined me here in my new apartment he brought with him TONS of art supplies. One wall of our living room is entirely lined with bins and drawers full of paints, carving tools, sewing supplies (admittedly these are mostly mine), beads, button making kits, and a WHOLE lot more. Sometimes I just open up the drawers to marvel at their wonder. I fucking love art supplies. If I had my druthers I’d spend most of my money on art supplies and cool antiques. My latest project is using a set of children’s wooden letter blocks and turning them in to dirty/kinky magnets and decorations. I’ve made a few as gifts for friends including one that says “BDSM” in the BDSM flag colors, and one that says “KINK”. There is something so completely satisfying about turning children’s toys in to taboo art… My favorite so far is the one that says “Fuck You!” in beautiful pink sparkly letters…

Speaking of fucking…

I’m not getting as much of it as I’d like (because honestly I’d like it every day several times a day)… but what I am getting feels awesome! Mister and I had a chat last night, actually, about how I should make him fuck me more. He says that at this point he has masturbated so much that fucking doesn’t actually do much for him anymore. What he gets off on isn’t naked people or simply the idea of sex, but PASSION and KINK. He also said he almost enjoys it more if he is an unwilling participant… He says this, but he is never really unwilling. What I think he meant is that he enjoys it more when I coerce him in to sex with me by being persistent and annoying… which I can do. I am basically addicted to his cock and cum. I could suck him off every night.

The other day we were lying on the couch watching a show before I had to go to work. I was incredibly horny and was sucking his cock as I lay on his stomach. He was really tired and had been sleeping on and off all morning so I knew that having him fuck me was probably off the table but I REALLY wanted to fuck. I looked up at him and requested we move to the bedroom… he didn’t want to. Damn. Okay. I continued sucking his cock taking him down my throat, savoring how hard I can get him with just my tongue and mouth. My pussy was throbbing and wet and I felt as if I might explode if I didn’t cum. I desperately wanted him inside me.

I looked up at him again after a few minutes and said “But I really want to fuck you.” (In reference to my wanting to move to the bedroom) He glanced down at me and just said “too bad.” And continued watching the show. I whined and went back to sucking him. He then looked at me and said “If you really want to, get to it. Right here.” And motioned to his hard cock. Now, fucking him on the couch has been something I’ve fantasized about a million times, but has really only happened once when he fucked me from behind just before we moved to the bedroom. For some reason I hesitated before jumping at the opportunity. He looked at me with raised eyebrows and said “For someone who claims to really want to fuck me you sure are really hesitating at a little inconvenience…” At that I snapped out of it and jumped (almost literally) on to his cock.

It turns out fucking him on the couch was a lot easier than I had anticipated. Having the back to grab on to was helpful and he could lie propped up at a good angle. His cock slid in easily (as you could imagine seeing as I’d been soaking wet all morning) and felt incredible inside me.

I fucked him slowly letting his cock slide almost all the way out wrapped just in my pussy lips before lowing myself back down and burying him deep inside. I fucked him fast slamming my cunt up and down making the couch creak and our skin smack together loudly. I pushed my cunt on to him barely moving with his entire length filling me. I slid him out of me and moved my pussy lips up and down his cock teasing him and my own clit with my wetness. I leaned forward and my tits swung in his face. I arched my back and shoulders grasping his legs behind me. I fucked his cock until my thighs burned and sweat was dripping down my chest.

I used him as if he were my toy grinding my clit in to his pubic bone until my cunt tightened and my entire body shivered and everything else in the world disappeared. I came, hard. My fingers clenched around the couch fabric and my face buried in his shoulders while his hands grasped my thighs and he pushed himself as far in to me as he could prolonging my orgasm. For a moment I couldn’t move. My thighs were shaking, my cunt was spasming, and I was desperately trying to catch my breath. I needed that. I needed his cock. I needed to cum. Fuck it felt amazing…

It seems as if so much has happened and yet at the same time it feels as though no time has passed. There is more to say about what has happened to my life since the separation and moving out and away from what I’d know… but I will leave that for another day. I’ve missed writing, I promise to do more (and I make that promise to myself as much as I do to my readers). Some days I am blissfully hopeful and entirely happy. Some days I am scared and unsure and frustrated. But, I guess that’s life.


And so it begins… Caution: Watersports ahead!

I finally have internet again!

I moved in to my new place on the first and Mister joined me the next day. It’s been a slow start, but things are good. Although, I broke his penis today… but I’ll get to that.

The place is decent, though it is kind of in the ghetto. I live pretty far north of the city in a smaller town I’ve never been to before moving here. I like it so far, I actually missed the small town atmosphere. I was sick of yuppies and hipsters and honestly feel more at home around here than I did in the city. As much as I loved living in the city it just was so exhausting for me. I think it turns out I’m not cut out for city life.

I have a corner apartment on the first floor, so I don’t worry about disturbing my neighbors at all (not that I care much, they’re all loud anyway) which is good because I don’t like feeling like I have to be quiet in the throes of passion. I’m still stressed and feeling a bit lonely some days, but my friends and family (and Monkey) have been incredibly helpful and supportive with the transition. My birthday is coming up next week and Mister, The Photographer, and another friend of mine are going on a bit of a road trip to one of my favorite places.

But you want to know about the sex, don’t you?

I have been sucking Mister’s cock a lot. Gagging and puking and feeling him cum across my face has been awesome.

Today he pissed on me for the first time and I’m pretty sure I’m addicted to it. I finally was able to convince him that I wanted it as desperately as I’ve been saying I do. He worries that I will say I want something just because he wants it because he knows how badly I feel rejection (usually unnecessarily). I want to say that it doesn’t effect me, but it does. I’m working on not allowing my insecurities to get the better of me.

Anyway. He woke me this morning with a full bladder. I sleepily got out of bed, went in to the kitchen and sat cross legged on the floor. I opened my mouth and he let forth a stream of warm piss covering my face, filling my mouth, and dribbling down my front. I felt owned and giddy. I even giggled some. I loved sitting in the puddle as it just kept coming. I swallowed what I could but couldn’t drink even close to all of it (he had drank a half gallon of water in preparation, there was a LOT of piss.) After he was done I sat up on my knees and sucked him hard. We moved to the bedroom where I sucked him and fingered his ass until he came.

We both showered after that and I cleaned up the mess so the apartment wouldn’t smell like piss and vomit when the internet installer showed up.

As soon as he left I was ordered to lie on the kitchen floor with my legs spread and pussy open. He then pissed directly on to my cunt which felt incredible and wet and I played with myself and in the wet warm pee. When he was finished I rose to me knees again and sucked him. We again adjourned to the bedroom where once again I worked on making him cum with my mouth and fingers. Unfortunately this time it didn’t work.

We tried for a while and finally he said “It just ain’t happenin'” He was in pain (and I believe still is) and has been complaining since that I broke him. Apparently because he still had to pee he wasn’t able to cum so he got backed up. Whoops.. well we learned another lesson. He says he won’t play watersports again… but I have a feeling he may be convinced otherwise once he is feeling better again.

Movin’ on up…

I’m SURE you’ve been asking yourself “Where is that fat slut and what has she been up to?”

Things are progressing here at the home front and in five days I will be moving out of the home I’ve shared with Monkey and in to my own apartment. With the help of Mister, The Photographer, and The Photographer’s husband I will be starting the process of making it on my own.

The packing is mostly done and Monkey and I haven’t been arguing about who gets what that much. Mister is freaking out a bit about staying with me and has been being more isolated and uncommunicative than usual… but I’m happy to give him the space because I know that soon he will be near me all the time and it will be a big change for the both of us.

I am working 50-60 hours a week at my new job, which is awesome and I love the experience. I am finding that I am less tired doing this job than I ever was working part time in retail.

All is going well for the most part, though financially it is going to be tight for a while and I am going to have to seriously budget in order to not fall below the water line… but I’m used to being frugal and I’m sure I’ll be fine. Plus once I’m moved and settled I will be finally getting back in to camming a couple times a week.

The worst part of all of this is I haven’t been laid too long and I’m horny as hell. I haven’t seen Mister in almost a month. I’m so tired of masturbating and it just doesn’t satisfy me like a good pounding. I want Mister to lick my pussy, and fuck me hard, and cum across my face…

Ugh. 5 more days…

What Sex-Positivity Isn’t. Or Shouldn’t Be, Anyway.

I liked this article. It makes some good points. Sex positivity doesn’t mean free-for-all everything is pie and cherries. Being sex positive doesn’t mean you have to enjoy all things everyone likes when it comes to sex. Sex positivity doesn’t, as the article states, save all acts from critique. Sex positivity doesn’t mean you have to be a slut! (Though it DOES mean that it is MORE than OKAY to be one!)

The First Attempt

Went to see Mister yesterday and had a lot of fun. The plan was to have me stay the night, but as it got later we were both feeling bleh, so I went home and slept in my own bed.

We attempted piss play for the first time. Me on him… it didn’t quite go as well as I’d hoped because, even though I had a bursting full bladder, for some reason I just couldn’t go very much. I got pee shy. I was able to sneak a bit out a couple times but ended up not being able to empty my bladder fully for some reason. So after I stopped being able to go he fucked my throat until he came on my face… which works for me too.

I want to try it again and I really want to be on the receiving end as well. It’ll take some time for me to get as comfortable with the act as I am with the IDEA… but I’ll get there. What little bit I was able to do was hot, that’s for damn sure. When I couldn’t go on my own he attempted to help by fingering me hard against my gspot, which felt fucking incredible and worked some… but didn’t make it easier for me to go once he stopped.

Now, this aspect of the evening is a bit strange and very much explains how weird I (and he) are. I considered leaving it out, but I want to be honest in this blog as much as possible about my sex life (otherwise what is the point?!) So if you are easily grossed out you may want to stop reading at this point.

One of his favorite things to do is throat fucking. I have an incredibly sensitive gag reflex so I have told him that as long as he doesn’t care if I puke on him then I am happy to have him do so. In fact I really like it.

Last night he tried it about half an hour after we had eaten… and I definitely puked… and it was not just a tiny bit. The first time it happened I stopped and grabbed a towel and cleaned him off and then we kept going. The second time it happened he just kept going without stopping until I couldn’t handle it anymore and grabbed his cock and stroked him hard and fast until he came all over my face… covered in vomit.

He said it felt incredible… the look and smell however, not so much. So we decided that were we to try this again (and I imagine it will happen again) it WILL NOT be soon after I have eaten any significant amount of solid food…

As he said “We’re Learning!” Hah. We are definitely learning!

On a less smelly note, however, he ate my pussy and it was FUCKING AWESOME! It was different than he has ever done before. Some of it was soft and gentle and barely touching me, then he’d bite my lips or clit and be rough and harsh, then he’d slow down again and it would be pure pleasure calming the pain… by the time I came I was going crazy. I want more. Desperately.

I saw him last night and already I am horny as hell and missing him. I also just want to cuddle and hold hands and run my fingers over his neck and back.

I love my Mister.