Every few days or so I think to myself “I really should update my blog, its been much too long.” And alas life gets in the way, or my own brain, or laziness… I could give a hundred excuses. But here I am at last writing again.
In one way my world has been “flipped turned upside down” and in another it seems to be the same old. I am working too much (most weeks just under 60 hours) but I love my job so very much. My job has given me purpose in a way I hadn’t anticipated. I have finally narrowed down what exactly I want to make my career in to and it is not at all what I had expected, but I am thrilled to have found my skills utilized in such a heartwarming and useful way.
I want to continue writing about and learning about sex and sexuality. Having said that, however, this is not the path that I see myself following as a career. Not solely, at least. I feel much more positively about continuing to do so as a hobby. I know that there are people who believe that turning a hobby in to a career is the best way to go, however I have known many people who have done so and found it diminished their passion for said hobby. My photographer friend specifically has said that she often regrets turning photography in to a career and often wishes for a simple job in an office. My choice in career is something I am intensely passionate about, but is going to be something I will need an outlet away from. I know I will need to have outside interests in order to keep from burning out. So, I will keep writing about and experiencing and researching sex and sexuality and use it as an outlet.
Speaking of Sex and Sexuality… what’s been going on there?
Well, unfortunately Mister and I quickly discovered (after moving in together) that our dreams of entering in to a full time M/s relationship was just not feasible for the time being. He was certainly not in the right place to do so. And while I was up for the challenge, it just wasn’t going to work for he and I. I was sad, but at the same time I was a bit relieved. Starting life over as a newly single woman working in a career that is so emotionally exhausting and being on my own for the first time ever (for the most part) was stressful enough without adding on a new layer.
Sex between he and I has come and gone. He has (or had) a lot of guilt surrounding sex with me because I am basically supporting him financially and he has fallen behind on his goals for changing this. Slowly but surely we are working together to meet his goals, but it is a challenge we face daily. On top of that he is trying to make me more aggressive in the bedroom so he wants me to initiate EVERY TIME I am horny whether or not he is. He has told me that whenever I want to I should pull down his pants, suck his cock hard and fuck him or sit on his face and force him to eat me out. I am getting much better at being demanding, though I have yet to sit on his face without prior instruction. I’m not sure I’ll ever be completely comfortable just going from nothing to sitting on his face. I want to be confident enough to do so, but I’m not sure I’ll get there… not for a while at least.
Emotionally though, we are in a good place. We cuddle and kiss and love each other, but after this time together I have become happy knowing that we are not “IN” love. We have this time together to be loving and have fun and help each other reach our goals, but one day soon we will part ways and find our own ways separately. There are still times when I look at him and wish that he was in love with me… but they are fewer and farther apart than before. Especially because I know logically that we are not a good match long term. He is fun, when he is in a good place. We laugh and play and get along wonderfully. He challenges me and forces me to look at myself in ways I hadn’t done before. But he almost certainly isn’t someone who could be a long term partner for me. And I am happy with that. He is my best friend right now and I love him dearly, and always will. I want to see him happy and he wants the same for me.
Monkey and I are in a good place. We are eventually going to get a divorce, but for now are just staying separated until it becomes a necessity. We talk pretty regularly and are good friends. I love him and want to see him succeed. He is now living with a girlfriend. It hurts some that they are living in the home I chose for us, but I have come to terms with this. We have had our tense moments.
Monkey and The Photographer had a short lived “fling” soon after I moved out. This hurt me. I didn’t find out until after the fact and while I knew that nothing I said could have stopped it (nor would I have tried to) it made me feel so much more separated from my old life. I had asked him long ago not to sleep with her. She is one of the only friends I have anymore and I knew that a relationship between the two of them would make me feel badly. I was right. But I have since gotten over this and know that it had nothing to do with me or putting me out of the picture. Their fling was simply two adults who connected sexually for a time and had some fun while both were needing that connection. It wasn’t handled perfectly, and they both admitted this, but who am I to judge? I have made my fair share of stupid mistakes when it comes to relationships, so I refuse to hold this against either of them. They are my friends and I love them both.
I’ve started taking anti-depressants finally. Low dose of Lexapro daily, which has helped in a lot of ways. I have also come to the realization that I am almost certainly suffering from ADHD and am seeking out treatment for this. The Lexapro did at the start severely lower my libido and made it hard to have an orgasm, but now a little over a month out my libido seems to have mostly restored back to normal and my ability to orgasm seems to have returned as well. So that’s nice. I was terrified of the side effects of this medications. I was willing to try it, though, because the lack of suicidal thoughts far outweighs a slight decline in my libido. And let me tell you, the depression being mostly gone has SIGNIFICANTLY improved my life. I am eating better, getting exercise in to my routing, and ROCKING it at my job. So all in all things are good.
I’ll update more often, I promise…